I am using the term trapezium here to vaguely refer some very specific things. I know that sounds confusing and it is confusing. My reason for that is that I have not been officially diagnosed as a ‘trapezium’. I believe with complete certainty that I know the disorder that I have, and those of you playing along at home can probably figure it out with some attention. I will not mention anything specific here unless I get an official diagnosis someday. I am aware that many others feel that ‘self-diagnosis’ is not valid, and I respect their opinions a great deal. As a lifelong hypochondriac, I too feel that self-diagnosis is usually pointless (although I can’t help think that I have brain cancer every time I get a headache, but that’s a topic for another day ((thanks WebMD!)) (((Wait, can you use parenthetical asides within other parenthetical asides?! I hope my English teachers never see this))) ). I also believe that overuse of terms and diagnosis does contribute to a degradation of the disorder and a lessening of the meaning. And it is never my intent to be a part of that process. So trapezium is my metaphor of choice, and I think it’s a good one (of course, why else would I be writing about it?).
I do not think that I will likely pursue an official diagnosis for myself. I am not opposed to it at all, it’s something I would like to do. But it is incredibly costly and not something that I think will help me very much. Most of the services that could be provided are geared towards children, and I have already learned those skills. I have spent a lifetime building up alternative ways to solve all of these common problems and found my own ways that work (most of the time). There is very little that an official diagnosis would offer me, other that peace of mind. But peace of mind is always temporary; spending thousands on extra doctor bills is not nearly as fleeting.
My intent with this blog is to share my stories and to stop hiding my differences. I have spent my life hiding away out of fear and shame for who I was and how my brain works. I learned at a young age that I was ‘weird’ and weird kids got picked on and beat up. So I learned how to disguise myself and learned to not ever talk about things that happened inside my head. But that is a load of crap (sorry for the cursing, it seemed appropriately placed). I don’t want anyone else to go through a lot of my negative experiences, and it is my hope that some of the things I share on here will resonate with someone and they can benefit. I am also writing this blog as a form of therapy for myself. I struggle a lot with communicating my thoughts and feelings, but I have learned that communication is a skill. And any skill can be improved upon with repeated and directed practice. So this blog is my attempt to practice that skill and improve my skills.