I have not made a post for a while on here. I am not abandoning the site, I just haven’t had the time or energy to write very much lately. I have a lot of half-baked ideas that I hope to finish soon and get out in a few weeks when I have some free time again. I am also planning to turn this into a book sometime later. I have always wanted to write a book, and feel like an autobiography would be perfect, since most people don’t like to hear my stories now they can read them! (Today’s dark sarcasm is brought to you by a lack of sleep)
But, this post was seasonal, so I needed to get it out in time.
Holidays are the worst. I have never liked any of the holidays. I have spent years trying to think of why exactly I can’t stand them, and have gotten nowhere. My family is very strange, and I am not very close to them at all. But both of those are fairly standard for a lot of other families. Why do I have such a strong aversion to holidays?
Ever since I can remember, I have begged my mom to skip out on holidays and family gatherings. I would pretend to be sick, or get sick intentionally to avoid them. I would come up with any and every excuse imaginable to get out of going. I still do that today too. I have a habit of trying to plan my vacations to conveniently avoid holidays.
I know from experience that holidays are not that bad, but it doesn’t matter. I hate them so much. My family is rude and loud and offensive, but I am too so that doesn’t bother me. They are usually fairly nice, I think they like me too. The conversations aren’t usually that awkward, sometimes I even have a good time. And yet, I dread the mere thought of going there so much that it keeps me from sleeping the day before.
After much more introspection, I think this is a trapezium-related thing too. I feel like I should be close to my family, but I am not. I am close to my mom, dad, and my grandmother. The rest of my family doesn’t even know what I do for a job. I see them a few times a year, and they almost never ask me questions about myself. Every time I am around them I feel like an awkward outsider who is supposed to be in the click but isn’t. I think this might be some of the reason why I don’t like holidays. I see them all laughing and sharing stories and having fun, but I don’t really understand how to participate in that, nor do I really want to. My family is not the best of role models, and I have very little respect for most of them. They are not particularly bright people, they are not very courageous, they do not do great things with their careers, and they simply eke out an average to below average way of life. And that bores me to tears. I see no reason why I would be friends with them or have any particular reason to talk to them, other than the random fact that we happen to share genetic material.
I know that family is supposed to be hugely important, but they just aren’t to me. They are just people who happened to come from the same spawn point. There is not really anything that should make you have a strong loving connection with them. My love and loyalty are to those who have supported me and raised me, which is not my relationship with most of my family. So they seem like weirdly distant people that are somehow supposed to be close.
I try again and again to be close to them and to get a stronger relationship, but I fail at it every time. And I know that they see me failing at that as well. I don’t know how to rectify that, and I kind of don’t feel like trying. At one point, a few years ago, I had a master plan that I was going to move to a new place far away and start a new life there. If I lived far away, then I would never have to worry about being awkward or having to show up on the holidays. I almost went through with that plan, but I am so terrified of moving that I dropped it.
Furthermore, holidays themselves are really dumb and that annoys me a lot. Easter is supposed to be the day that Jesus returned from the dead (yay Zombie Savior!) and that is great and all. But do you really have to be reminded of that every year? It seems to me that if you have a modicum of faith in God, then you should remember his awesome works for longer than a year. I say this as a Christian myself, but I just despise holidays. They seem to be geared towards people with short term memory loss, which I do not have. I don’t need to reminded of things over and over, and in fact that makes me irrationally angry.
On top of that, Easter has some of the dumbest traditions of all. Jesus is back from the dead, so let’s celebrate by having a bunny hide eggs filled with candy?? Seriously? There are so many things wrong with that picture. Bunnies don’t lay eggs, eggs aren’t filled with candy, and neither of those have anything to do with Jesus. The date of Easter every year is set based on a pagan calendar, which is ridiculous in itself. The Christians came over and killed a large number of the pagans and then stole their traditions and their holiday planning schedule. What the hell guys?
As a side note, this kind of thing is why I am great to have at parties. I talk like this a lot in real life, and for some reason people seem to get angry with me. (That was sarcasm). I am aware that things like that make me an ‘asshole’ and I have learned not to share them with most people. But, you are not most people, so I can share anything I want.