Emotions Part 1

When I was in elementary school, I had diagnosed myself with alexithymia. I had read about alexithymia in a book somewhere, and being young enough to think that actually adults cared, promptly ran to the school nurse to report my diagnosis. She laughed at me and said that was cute. I probably mispronounced the words in some adorable childlike way which belittled my efforts. But still, couldn’t she tell that I was very serious about this? I saw that nurse a lot, mostly to profess that I was too sick and needed to be sent home immediately. I think that was about the time that I decided that no one believed me and I should just keep things to myself.

Alexithymia is a disorder that makes it hard to identify and understand emotions. It is common with people on the Spectrum. I do not know as much about it as I would like to, but I do know my experiences with it.

When I was younger, I struggled so much with expressing myself. I got into arguments a lot (usually on accident) and I lost them all because I could never think of what to say fast enough or at all. I still struggle with that one, I have to be very careful not to turn every conversation into an argument. It happens a lot more than I would like to admit, but usually only around my close friends. Thankfully, they have developed a tolerance to my random arguing and know to just ignore me.

I could never really tell when someone was mad or deduce really anything about what they were feeling. I got into a lot of trouble for things like that. So I turned my brain onto that problem and did a lot of experimenting. I watched a lot of movies and studied the emotions of the people there. I watched a lot of drama movies and noted how they reacted and how they looked. I began to mimic those emotions and it worked. I began to watch other people closely for their reactions and began to spot their emotions. I have gotten really good at this habit now, when I focus on it.

But, I have still not gotten very far with identifying my own emotions.

I see emotions mainly as problems to be solved. If I am feeling angry, I will stop and figure out what made me angry and then fix that thing. If I am feeling happy, I will stop and figure out what made me happy and try to do more of that thing. Emotions are like a giant lifelong experiment to me. This gets me in a lot of trouble with other people though, because I do the same thing to them. When I see someone who is upset, I will usually be able to figure out pretty fast what caused it. For the regular shaped people, it’s usually something very simple and familiar (Oh no, your boyfriend didn’t call you? How tragic that must feel for you!). But I have gotten into a lot of arguments over that sort of thing because for some reason, people usually don’t want you to invade their personal lives and start to tell them how to make things better. For some reason, people seem to value their broken and messy personal relationships. I’ll save my views of relationships for another post (it’ll be a good one).

I think all this emotional experimenting began when I got interested in psychology in early middle school and read a lot of Sigmund Freud and Victor Frankl (you know, the usual things that 6th graders are into these days). I wanted to become a shrink one day and ask the famous “How does that make you feel?” question. I began to ask that question to myself constantly and went from there. Since then, I have been able to identify and catalog pretty much every emotion I have experienced. I can place them all in their proper places, and I like that. I understand them, and I understand how to use them to motivate myself. But really, I only have known or experienced a few emotions. I know anger, happiness, sadness, and love. And, of course, there are some weird combinations of those four. I always group things into a few simple categories because that makes much more sense to me. I like simpler taxonomies, like the binomial nomenclature system, rather than the full KPCOFGS (That’s a science reference for those playing along at home. They can’t all be math related, I like science too).

Anger is probably the most common one to feel, it’s my go to whenever something unexpected happens. Anger usually feels like a warm wind blowing through the body and a dull ache in the back of the head. Usually, time seems to slow down as if I am watching a movie on half-speed playback. Then I get a lump in my throat that starts to irritate me until I do something about it. When I am angry, nothing in the world matters, other people are not even remotely considered. True anger is very terrifying. I try to avoid it at all costs because it hurts me the most. I can almost always stop it before it gets to that point though.

Happiness feels like a soft mountain stream flowing in the shade of a sunny day. There is a gentle breeze flowing by, and some perfect clouds in the sky that look like happy little animals. There are many kinds of happiness. There is a happiness that comes from being around friends, and it feels very insular and protective, like we are on a private island that is protected from the rest of the world. The ‘friends happiness’ has a feeling almost of separation from others and I don’t like that aspect of it. There is a happiness that comes from animals, which is very different than then happiness that comes from people. ‘Animal happiness’ feels warm and comforting, like petting a dog’s fur or snuggling with an adorable animal. I get that feeling anytime I am around an animal that I like.

Sadness feels like a star falling from the sky that never quite manages to land. Sadness feels like you are completely left alone on a planet where everyone else has gone and moved on from you. There are definitely different levels of sadness. I can talk a lot more about sadness later.

Love feels like warm perfect sunshine pouring into your body. Love feels like a warm blanket beside a fire. Despite my sarcastic exterior, I am a very sappy romantic. I love being in love, it’s just not something I am too familiar with.

However, there’s a weird feeling I have been experiencing a lot the last few months. I believe it is called loneliness. It’s not something I am familiar with, or have ever really experienced prior to this year.

The feeling begins with a sensation of my heart sinking down towards my stomach, as if it was sliding down the esophagus. My brain begins spinning, almost like I am dizzy, but it feels like the inside of my brain is moving. Then, both the misplaced heart and the spinning brain begin to physically ache and hurt. Sometimes this lasts for a few seconds, sometimes for a few minutes.

Whenever I feel this feeling, all I can think to do is run away until I feel nothing anymore, because feeling nothing is so much better than feeling that way. If that is what loneliness feels like, then I can understand why people die from a broken heart. It terrifies me because I have no idea what it is or how to fix it or how to prevent it from happening ever again.

It always seems to happen after I see a picture of people laughing or smiling or doing something fun, or sometimes when I hear a story of something cool happening involving my friends. Sometimes, even just hearing people laughing can set it off. Sometimes, I’ll be lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep and I’ll get this feeling out of nowhere and can’t sleep for the rest of the night. It’s happened 3 times this week……

Anyways, that’s enough on emotions for now.

 

 

 

 

Veg Days

Veg Days are a crucial survival tool for me. A Veg Day is my way of coping with the inordinate stress of life, specifically the stress that no one else seems to experience; running out of energy (or mana as I call it). I use up a lot of mana in my daily life, and it is difficult to replace. A Veg Day is a process that has taken me years to develop and refine.

It all started sometime in college. I was supremely busy in college. I know everyone says that, but I really was. I went to school full time, supported myself by working 2 (sometimes 3) jobs, and ran a non-profit corporation for almost 2 years. I also had a very severe coffee addiction (I still do). I loved being able to do so many things at once, so I had a great time even though I was busy for about 16 hours every.

After a few months, it started to catch up with me. I couldn’t sleep, even when I had the free time to do so. I stopped having fun, I stopped caring about things. I started getting so angry with everyone and I lost many friends in a few weeks. I finally cracked one day, and got really sick. I couldn’t do anything, so I had to lay around the house. I felt the entire time like death was hovering over me, waiting to take me away. But, I had to sleep and take a few days off.

I went back to life after that and noticed that I felt so much better. I had so much more energy, and I was so happy. It lasted for a few weeks, and then I started to feel the same miserable way I had before. I got sick again, and then spent a few days hiding away from the world. I emerged from my darkened room feeling like a beautiful butterfly again.

It took me about a year of this pattern before I finally noticed the connection. Somehow, it eluded me, but eventually I noticed the connection between taking some time off and feeling better. I did the same thing I always do, I made it into an experiment. I tried to take a ‘mental health day’, and spent a day pretending I was sick. I told everyone that I was sick and spent the day hiding away. It worked so well. Apparently, you can get more rest if you are not actually sick.

I then decided to experiment with doing this ‘day off’ on a regular basis to see if it helped me feel better. It changed my life around. I started planning these ‘days off’, and coming up with some ways to make them better. I felt so much better about life when I started incorporating these into my schedule. I slept better, I felt better, I rarely got sick, I was happier, I could think more clearly. It really seemed to fix a lot of the issues I had dealt with up to that point.

 

So, here is my system for Veg Days:

A Veg Day is a day that I set aside for ‘me time’. It is a day where I destress myself as much as I can. It is a day that I spend as far away from responsibilities as I can get.

A Veg Day consists of some important rules that are to be followed as much as possible.

  1. No work! This one is crucial, and so hard to follow. Even if I have one hour of work, then it will ruin the veg day. The way my brain works, I can’t relax if there is anything that I ‘have’ to do that day, like work. Work, in this sense, means anything that I have to force myself to do. So this means chores, laundry, actual work, anything like that.
  2. No phone calls or texting. This one is also pretty hard to follow, but I do my best. Talking to people or even sending texts is still stressful, so I keep it out of the Veg Day sanctuary.
  3. Nothing is off limits. Well, somethings are off limits I guess. But, I mean that I let myself do whatever random thing I think of without judging. I allow myself to follow anything that I feel like doing, which is a great liberty that I think we often don’t allow ourselves to experience. When I first started this step, it was difficult. I wound up laying on the grass and staring at the sky for a while, which was pretty good in itself. But then, I decided that I needed to make a hammock, which required me to make rope first, which required me to find a bunch of grass, which led me to go walk in the fields near my house and collect grass. It’s not important at all what activity I do, but it is important that I don’t ever try to control that activity.
  4. No pants! This rule is not too literal, but I used to have a rule of not putting pants on because putting pants on signifies that you are somehow more serious.

There are other rules that come and go as I see fit. Sometimes I will stay inside the house all day if I am feeling low. Sometimes, I will just sit in front of the TV all day. Sometimes I will just play video games for 14 hours. Most of the time, I work on random projects and play games in small bursts.

Some words of caution: Don’t take too many veg days in a row. I have taken up to 3 veg days before, and it gets real weird. After the 2nd day, you start to forget how to interact with people, you forget what things are acceptable to say around them, and you forget how to walk in public. These skills can be recovered pretty quickly, but just beware that you will look weird for the first few hours after returning to regular life. Plan your schedule accordingly.

Patterns

I have been obsessed with patterns for as long as I can remember. Patterns are very soothing to look at, I am not sure how else to describe it other than amazing. Patterns are anything that can be seen to repeat a few times, and it seems to add some consistency and stability to a world that lacks both of those.

Visual patterns are the easiest to spot first. Things like buildings being in a perfect line, or a house having windows in a row are really awesome. I love symmetrical patterns of plants. I really love geometric art, like Escher. I had a book of Escher art as a kid and could stare at that stuff for hours. But that stuff is pretty typical. I think everyone can appreciate a beautiful pattern like that. Let’s get to the weird stuff.

I really love anagrams. I used to do anagrams constantly while in school because I was bored. I would try to see how many words I could make out of a longer word. I haven’t done that for a while. I read the words on signs and make anagrams out of those too.

But it gets better. I can see words as numbers, and I can see numbers as objects in my mindspace. I guess it’s a part of synesthesia and doesn’t make sense to other people, but it feels perfectly normal to me. I can’t really describe it very well, because it is the only way I have experienced those things. To me, that’s just how the universe works and I don’t have the vocabulary to explain it.

I count the number of letters in a sign and I think about that number. I really like signs are a multiple of 3 or 5. “Highland Village” is a great name because it is both a multiple of 3 and 5, “Flower Mound” is ugly because it is prime. A sign that says Exit 54 is ugly because it equals 13, but Exit 55 is a little better because it equals 14. Exit 56 is the best of that family.

I find it unsettling to go to places that have what I consider ugly names, like Walmart. It’s prime and it just sounds awful. I will often count other punctuation marks to make it into a better number. Like Rosa’s Café, it has 9, which is normally a good number, but it is not a good number for a restaurant. A restaurant needs to be solid and strong, so it needs a multiple of 5. I read Rosa’s Café as 10 because I count the apostrophe.

I read the titles of things and care a great deal about those. I was really into Lord of the Rings as a kid, notice I said “Lord of the Rings” and not “The Lord of the Rings”. The first one has 14 letters, the second 17 letters.

I will often take a title or a sign and split it in half. Take “The Legend of Zelda”, I like it because it has 16 letters. If you split it in half you get “TheLegen DofZelda”, which is useless but mildly entertaining.

I have learned to stop doing this as much now, but it used to occupy my brain a lot. I think I mostly stopped because I found better ways to fill my mind. The only time that I start doing that sort of neurotic pattern spotting is when I am really stressed out.  I don’t really talk about it much because even as a kid I realized that this would make me sound like I belonged in a padded room.

 

Music: Movement 1

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I love music and I do not think I could live a day without it. I will probably have several posts about music, because there is just too much to talk about here.

To me, music represents a form of emotional expression that is so pure and universal that it transcends anything that words could ever hope to communicate. Expressing emotions through words takes so long and requires so much effort. But through music I can vent my frustrations or my fears or share my joys. Music is the language of emotions for me. Music is also a universal language that I believe anyone around the world can understand.

I joined band in middle school because I wanted to play the Star Wars music, I played the trumpet naturally. Once I started learning music, I could not stop myself. I love to learn new things and have new experiences. I taught myself to play the piano, and then that wasn’t good enough anymore. I wanted to learn more. I borrowed instruments from my friends in band and learned to play their instruments. This made one friend mad, because I was better than him at the French horn after about 3 hours of playing around with it.

To me, music boils down to a few basic skills that are applied in different ways. I see almost everything in life this way, but music especially. To play a trumpet, you need to blow air and move your fingers. To play the trombone, you need to blow air and move your fingers. To play the harmonica, you need to blow air and move your fingers. Same pattern with only minor differences. So to me, learning one instrument is the same as learning all the instruments. The only difference is in semantics and minor adjustments in the way to you hold it. I applied this practice and learned the trombone, French horn, flute, clarinet, tuba, and saxophone. This made all of my friends really mad at me, because for some reason they saw their instruments as precious or sacred knowledge. And somehow, it offended them that I would walk in and ask them what the fingering patterns were and then play their songs on their instrument. It made no sense to me, and still doesn’t! Patterns are everywhere and part of everything, how does no one else see them!?!

Music itself is completely made up of patterns. Chords, rhythms, and songs are all just different patterns that can be studied. I love patterns because they are calming and steady and predictable. I appreciate deeply the fact that an E minor chord will always be made up of EGB no matter what else is going on in life or in the world. E minor is the most soulful chord in existence, with Asus4 following closely behind it. C#m is also a great one. I could spend days describing the way that chords look and feel to me, there’s a fairly good chance I have synesthesia. I thought that everyone could close their eyes and see the music creating a picture in their minds, just like the old visualizations that you could turn on your computer to match the music. I often dream in music and flow through the patterns and worlds that it creates.

Music is also so very strongly associated with memory. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of music that often scares people, myself included. I can name a song within a few seconds of hearing it, name the artist, the album name, the year it came out, describe the album art, and tell a story about the artist. I can also tell the story of when I first heard the song or some experience I had while listening to the song. For example, the song Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes was released in 2003 on the album Elephant. The album art features Jack and Meg White sitting in front a red screen. I first heard this song while learning to ride my bike in 8th grade (yes I was a late bloomer to the biking world). I was biking through a park near my house and the song came on my Walkman (also yes, I was using a Walkman in 2003, I was broke and cassettes were 50 cents at goodwill so I used a Walkman until I got a job and could afford a portable CD player, which is another really dated piece of technology). I stopped riding so I could listen to the song and fell in love with it immediately. It was my favorite song for several years. See all of that I rattled off in a few seconds without googling it. It doesn’t seem as impressive here, but if you see me do that in person it is a lot cooler, I promise.

Music is awesome. If you have read the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, you might remember a scene where the teens are driving in the car listening to music and the main character says “And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.” That is one of my favorite quotes from any book or person ever. There are so many songs that make me feel infinite and that is why music is one of the greatest things in this universe. Also, read The Perks of Being a Wallflower if you haven’t. I was so stunned by that book because it all felt perfectly normal and I felt like I could have written that book. I only recently learned that the main character was written to have Asperger’s, so I guess that makes sense. A great book on so many levels.

The Anxiousaur

The Anxiousaur is a creature that I imagine to be the embodiment of anxiety. I can’t really describe him, because it has no corporeal form to describe, it takes on the shape and texture of my deepest fears at that moment.

Anxiety is one of the hardest things to deal with for me. After all the times I have fought the Anxiousaur, I have found very few ways to conquer it. The best I can manage to push it away for a few days or a few weeks. But it’s always there in the back of my mind, waiting and growing stronger. Often, I feel certain that it will be the death of me. It grows stronger as I grow weaker. Anxiety seems completely unfair, not that anything in life is ever really fair for anyone. But it is supposed to be. Why would we have an innate concept of fairness if it is not something that is meant to be? Life is hard enough for anyone, much more so for a trapezium. Adding in the crippling mental blow of anxiety is just cruel punishment.

Anxiety feels like a violent thunderstorm raging inside my brain. Thoughts race around like the wind, pushing aside everything else. All thoughts I had are gone, I can’t focus on anything. Everything feels like it is moving and being affected by this storm, but the reality is that it is only inside my head. Nothing and no one else is affected by it, which always makes me feel even worse. If there is a storm in the real world, you can at least share your experience with someone else and feel validated and comforted by that fact. But if the storm is only something that you experience, then you are alone in your suffering and that is far worse than the storm itself.

The thoughts that race past are always bad ones. The Anxiousaur loves to throw all the scariest possibilities at me. It reminds me of all the times I have failed at anything in my life, and leaves out any and all successes I have had. These thoughts make it so difficult to focus on anything else. It feels like trying to build a house of cards in a hurricane, no matter much I try it just won’t work. The Anxiousaur thinks of all the bad things that could happen at any given moment and constantly reminds me of them.

For example, I have a truly terrifying time texting people. I hate it. The Anxiousaur tells me that if they don’t reply back fast enough then they must hate me or that I said something weird. I have heard other people joke about this kind of thing before, but I don’t imagine that they feel that way with every text they send. I do and it is horrible.

The Anxiousaur checks in to visit me a lot when I am hungry. I have yet to come to an understanding why, but anytime I go more than a few hours without a snack then my anxiety goes up. I had really impatient and angry because I know that I should not be feeling anxious. It is usually hard for me to recognize when it is happening, so I usually make a point of eating every few hours. But I often forget to do this and don’t notice anything until I have bitten a chunk of tongue off while nervously chewing or I have sprained a finger from tying my hands in knots under the table.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder several years ago, although I had known that I suffered from that since about the age of 12. I spent about a year on anti-anxiety medication which did nothing except make me really sleepy and gave me depression (again). I stopped taking the medicine because I couldn’t stop my suicidal thoughts.

One of the worst components of anxiety is that it completely takes away the fun of life. You can’t laugh and enjoy life while anxiety is crushing down upon you, or at least I can’t. There have been so many times when I have been struck with anxiety for some unknown reason while I was doing something fun, and suddenly I feel like I am dying. I can look at everyone else still having fun and enjoying things but I can’t do that anymore because the Anxiousaur is in control now. It hurts so much to be in that situation, to be next to friends having fun and not be able to join them, but to instead be trapped inside your mind prison of anxiety and nervousness. I get so mad at myself when that happens because it’s irrational and makes no sense. I get really depressed after that and then just feel like a pile of wet garbage because I can’t have fun.

Panic attacks are another fun side effect of the Anxiousaur. I was 15 or 16 when I had my first one. I was at the mall with someone I had a crush on, and we were holding hands and walking by Hot Topic. They leaned in to kiss me, and I felt my heart suddenly beating its way out of my chest. I started sweating immediately, and couldn’t breathe. They looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I was ok. I ran (or stumbled) to the bathroom and saw that I looked very blue and pale in the mirror. I then threw up all over the sink. My entire body was shaking, and I could no longer stand up so I crouched down under the sink and sat there for a while. It felt like about 10 years of time that my body was actively trying to kill me. My heart ached because it felt like it had bruised itself by beating so hard. My head felt like it was on fire. My feet and hands were numb for some reason. It was pretty awful. Definitely one of the worst experiences I have had. I have had 3 more of those since then, but none that bad. I learned quickly to recognize the signs of it coming on, and some strategies to help.

 

For those that might experience something like that, here’s what to do.

If you feel really stressed and you can suddenly feel your heart beat faster and your breath get shorter, take a seat immediately.

Close your eyes and start to focus on your breath.

Tap your fingers and focus on that sensation, think of feeling each fingertip hitting your legs.

Count your breaths, and try to breathe slowly. Keep doing that for a few minutes until you feel back to yourself. That should help you avoid the onset of a full panic attack.

 

 

I’m Not Okay (I Promise)

I have had a very hard time coming up with things to write lately. I think some of the problem is that I have used up most of the cute little quirks that I can write about. I am left now with the soul-crushing and depressing things that I have not yet learned how to deal with myself, and much less how to communicate effectively. So the posts will be more ‘real’ and ‘brutal’ for a while, I guess. I plan to go back and edit them later. But for now, and for my own therapy process, I am trudging onward with whatever I can write. To me, it is far more important to keep writing things than it is to have them perfected.

But anyways, back to the depressing topic at hand today. I am not okay. I don’t know if I have ever been okay, and I don’t really believe that I ever will be okay in the future. And that is okay, sometimes.

I’m not okay (I promise). If you get that reference, then we should be friends. I make a lot of music references and almost no one ever gets them. For those who aren’t musically literate, that was the title of a song from My Chemical Romance’s 2004 album Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. One of the top albums in my teenage angst years, and was actually the very first CD that I ever bought.

I have had a very difficult life so far for a lot of reasons. My childhood was very far from typical, and I faced a lot of things that most kids don’t have to deal with. My parents divorced when I was three, and I grew up never knowing my father. My mom was a struggling teacher, and we never had a lot of money. My mom was severely injured when I was in middle school and I had to take care of her for a while. We lost our house because my mom couldn’t pay the bills. We had to depend on the food pantry to survive while I was in high school. My mom was and still is a hoarder and that has affected me a huge amount. I had to get a job at 17 to help pay the bills so that we didn’t get evicted again. I paid my own way through college by working and getting scholarships, I never got any money from my parents to help with college. I have had to be completely independent since I was 17, and have no fallback options because neither one of my parents can really support me.

That is a short summary of some of the bigger things that I have had to deal with in my life. I am not looking for pity, I really don’t care about that stuff. All of those things are horrible yes, but they have also taught me an enormous amount about life and how to avoid those things in the future. I listed those out to help myself, but also to illustrate that life happens and it sucks for a lot of the time. I have had to deal with all of those things, and also being a trapezium. No wonder I have so much anxiety and stress. No wonder that now that I am a ‘grown up’, I spend my time mostly playing video games. Now I am at a point in my life, for really the first time, where I am stable and comfortable. I know that I have enough money to cover everything and don’t need to worry about where my food or rent money will come from next month. That is a luxury that I never experienced earlier in my life. So, I take advantage of that and spend a lot of time relaxing now!

I have always had huge life problems to deal with, for as long as I can remember. Big overarching things that seemed like huge demons and towering monsters that I had no way of fighting or coping with. These things threatened the very foundation of my life, and I saw no chance to overcome them. So when faced with that kind of thing, I ignored everything else in my life and lived out of fear. Most of my life has been spent in terror of those huge monsters killing me. I have never felt that I had the freedom or the ability to do simple things like have friends and have fun and go on dates and things like that. I am too busy fighting for my survival. I can remember as early as 5th grade seeing my classmates running around and playing and thinking that they were so carefree and happy and wondering what that felt like as I went home to deal with my life. I would look at everyone else and think that one day I will figure out how to beat these huge demons and then I too can begin my life and be free.

But there is always another and bigger monster to replace the one that you beat. Life gives you no freedom, you must take it for yourself. It has taken me my entire life to learn that lesson. There will never be a time when I feel that I am ‘okay’. Life is relentless in its assault. One problem grows into another and so on. You have to still go out and do things, because if you don’t then you never will. I have spent years waiting for the right time and the right feeling to happen, but that is impossible. At some point you have to make the leap.

All through high school, I spent every day thinking that the next day will be better, and that the next year will be better. It never was. I kept thinking that once I get to May then things will suddenly be better, or once I get to college suddenly everything will be fixed. I thought that when I graduated I would suddenly not have to deal with crushing anxiety and low self-esteem, that somehow I could be the person I felt I was on the inside.

But that never once happened. Things don’t usually change for the better, and when they do change for the better, you can always find something else to feel upset about.

See, I know that some of this thinking is due to mild depression. I have struggled with that demon for my entire life. I think that the “depressasaur” also lives deep inside me and will never go away, he will only grow stronger and my only hope is to grow stronger and faster than he does. I have beaten depression several times, or just moved on past it. Most of my depression stems from unfortunate life circumstances (see the earlier paragraphs) because any one of those is enough to make someone depressed.

But I have never really cared much for feelings. For as long as I can remember, I have always told myself that feelings don’t matter, actions matter. I realize now that is completely false, but it is the only way I got through so many difficult times. If I had let myself wallow in pity, I truly do not think I would have survived most of my childhood. I had to pull myself out and do things in order to get out of those awful situations. So that mindset of ignoring feelings, was mostly a survival tactic, and a pretty good one. Until I got out of those situations and suddenly was unable to function without being a robot. I am still recovering from that one today.

All of this is to say that life is a struggle, and most often a mental struggle. I can know that I am doing okay at something, but still not believe it. I can know that I am doing really well at life compared to other people my age, but still feel like a complete wet fart of a person. I always feel like there is some big demon shadowing over me and my life, and it prevents me from being happy. If I ever figure out how to deal with it, I will gladly write my instructions on here. If anyone else knows, please let me know.

 

Holidays are the Worst

I have not made a post for a while on here. I am not abandoning the site, I just haven’t had the time or energy to write very much lately. I have a lot of half-baked ideas that I hope to finish soon and get out in a few weeks when I have some free time again. I am also planning to turn this into a book sometime later. I have always wanted to write a book, and feel like an autobiography would be perfect, since most people don’t like to hear my stories now they can read them! (Today’s dark sarcasm is brought to you by a lack of sleep)

But, this post was seasonal, so I needed to get it out in time.

Holidays are the worst. I have never liked any of the holidays. I have spent years trying to think of why exactly I can’t stand them, and have gotten nowhere. My family is very strange, and I am not very close to them at all. But both of those are fairly standard for a lot of other families. Why do I have such a strong aversion to holidays?

Ever since I can remember, I have begged my mom to skip out on holidays and family gatherings. I would pretend to be sick, or get sick intentionally to avoid them. I would come up with any and every excuse imaginable to get out of going. I still do that today too. I have a habit of trying to plan my vacations to conveniently avoid holidays.

I know from experience that holidays are not that bad, but it doesn’t matter. I hate them so much. My family is rude and loud and offensive, but I am too so that doesn’t bother me. They are usually fairly nice, I think they like me too. The conversations aren’t usually that awkward, sometimes I even have a good time. And yet, I dread the mere thought of going there so much that it keeps me from sleeping the day before.

After much more introspection, I think this is a trapezium-related thing too. I feel like I should be close to my family, but I am not. I am close to my mom, dad, and my grandmother. The rest of my family doesn’t even know what I do for a job. I see them a few times a year, and they almost never ask me questions about myself. Every time I am around them I feel like an awkward outsider who is supposed to be in the click but isn’t. I think this might be some of the reason why I don’t like holidays. I see them all laughing and sharing stories and having fun, but I don’t really understand how to participate in that, nor do I really want to. My family is not the best of role models, and I have very little respect for most of them. They are not particularly bright people, they are not very courageous, they do not do great things with their careers, and they simply eke out an average to below average way of life. And that bores me to tears. I see no reason why I would be friends with them or have any particular reason to talk to them, other than the random fact that we happen to share genetic material.

I know that family is supposed to be hugely important, but they just aren’t to me. They are just people who happened to come from the same spawn point. There is not really anything that should make you have a strong loving connection with them. My love and loyalty are to those who have supported me and raised me, which is not my relationship with most of my family. So they seem like weirdly distant people that are somehow supposed to be close.

I try again and again to be close to them and to get a stronger relationship, but I fail at it every time. And I know that they see me failing at that as well. I don’t know how to rectify that, and I kind of don’t feel like trying. At one point, a few years ago, I had a master plan that I was going to move to a new place far away and start a new life there. If I lived far away, then I would never have to worry about being awkward or having to show up on the holidays. I almost went through with that plan, but I am so terrified of moving that I dropped it.

Furthermore, holidays themselves are really dumb and that annoys me a lot. Easter is supposed to be the day that Jesus returned from the dead (yay Zombie Savior!) and that is great and all. But do you really have to be reminded of that every year? It seems to me that if you have a modicum of faith in God, then you should remember his awesome works for longer than a year. I say this as a Christian myself, but I just despise holidays. They seem to be geared towards people with short term memory loss, which I do not have. I don’t need to reminded of things over and over, and in fact that makes me irrationally angry.

On top of that, Easter has some of the dumbest traditions of all. Jesus is back from the dead, so let’s celebrate by having a bunny hide eggs filled with candy?? Seriously? There are so many things wrong with that picture. Bunnies don’t lay eggs, eggs aren’t filled with candy, and neither of those have anything to do with Jesus. The date of Easter every year is set based on a pagan calendar, which is ridiculous in itself. The Christians came over and killed a large number of the pagans and then stole their traditions and their holiday planning schedule. What the hell guys?

As a side note, this kind of thing is why I am great to have at parties. I talk like this a lot in real life, and for some reason people seem to get angry with me. (That was sarcasm). I am aware that things like that make me an ‘asshole’ and I have learned not to share them with most people. But, you are not most people, so I can share anything I want.