I have not dated very much lately, I’ve had 3 dates in the last 10 years. I keep telling myself that I will start dating once I figure out my life and get more stable, but that is something that will never happen either. I dated some in high school, but those all ended badly too, for reasons I will not go into yet. I have been told that dating me was like ‘dating a wall’, or that I never kissed back in the right way, or that I never initiated anything, or that I took too long to reply. After a fair amount of failures, I think it’s pretty safe to give up on something like dating. Plus, there are so many things to do that are more interesting than dating.

I recently decided to, as the old saying goes, “put myself out there” and try dating someone. I finally feel like my life is stable and ready enough to try and be in a relationship. Or, more truthfully, I realized that things will never be fully ready as much as I would like them to be. So I am wasting my time by waiting for things to be perfect, that will never happen. I also am tired of seeing everyone else around me be happy and surrounded by people they love. I feel sick and awful when I am alone now, which is something that is really new. I used to love being alone with my thoughts, but now I can’t stand that feeling. I genuinely want to be around people, at least people that I respect and enjoy. That is a strange new feeling for me.

So for those reasons, I decided to try and find a date. I was surprised that within a day, I had started up a conversation with someone and they seemed awesome! I was so excited and nervous to meet them finally. I set up our first date a few days later and then realized that I was so totally not ready for this. I was so nervous the day of the date that I was close to calling it off. I felt that there was no way they would possibly be able to like me, I mean most of the time I can barely tolerate myself, so the thought of someone else choosing to and enjoying being around me is still surprising. But I persevered and went to the first date.

It went very well, I am proud to say. I had a great time, which surprised me. I realized that like most of the problems I face, it was all in my head. Once I get out there and do something, I do it well.

I made the difficult decision that I needed to tell this person about my autism. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past while dating, and I can ascribe almost every single one of them to my autism. So, I thought that maybe by telling them, they would be patient with me and maybe understand. I told them, and they said they knew nothing about it but that they would look it up. I don’t think they have yet.

A few days later, we met up again, and they were unhappy with me for not replying to their texts fast enough. I had to work really hard not to start yelling. First of all, it should never matter if someone replies to a text ‘fast enough’, that is such an asinine millennial comment. I prefer to, you know, live my life and do things, rather than spend my time staring at a plastic screen waiting for people to send me messages. Which rules out about ¾ of the dating pool it seems, because everyone seems to be controlled by their phones.

Instead of giving that rant, I explained that the way my brain works is to focus on what I am doing. If I am focused on something, I can’t very well pick up my phone and suddenly reply to a random text about something else, and then switch back my previous task. I have learned that I am very bad at multitasking. Especially if I am working around children, and the distraction is something lewd and not child-friendly, then things do not go well. So I tried to reason that, but got nowhere. They were oblivious still.

As I got to know this person more, I got less interested in them. All they seemed to do was go to work and then go home to watch Netflix. They had no real hobbies, or interests, or passions, or cares. I have no respect for people like that, and quite frankly, see no reason to waste my time with them. I feel that as a human, we have a strong need to be three-dimensional. By that I mean that we need to have things that we do, things that excite us, things that we enjoy, things that make us learn and grow. If we are not doing those things, then we are not living well. I can’t tolerate people who don’t find and seek out those things, people who just meek out an existence and survive. That is not interesting to me at all, because I don’t believe that is the way we are meant to live.

So, I got less interested in my ‘date’, and eventually reached the point where I realized I didn’t care about them at all. I was terrified to break up with them though, because I felt that they were a good match for me. I am a difficult person, and they were able and willing to put up with that. Furthermore, they liked me a lot and appreciated most of my quirks. I had a few days where I thought about ‘settling’ and dealing with a relationship where I didn’t respect the other person. That was a weird feeling that I have no logical explanation for. Still not quite sure where that came from, but luckily it went away.  I ended the relationship because I realized that it had been two weeks since I saw them, and had no desire to do so. In a rare moment of clarity, I had the courage to call it off.

I learned a lot from that relationship, about myself and about dating. I learned that honesty is always the best thing to do. Not that I didn’t know that before, but I reaffirmed it. I know that telling them about myself was the right thing to do, and I will do that next time (if there is one).

More importantly, I learned that I am, in fact, capable of dating. Which is surprising to me too. I also learned that I can end a relationship on my own. That was the first time that I have ever broken up with someone, and it didn’t destroy me like I thought it would. I don’t really have any regrets from that experience, I am glad that I tried dating. Maybe I will try it again someday.



Holidays are the Worst

I have not made a post for a while on here. I am not abandoning the site, I just haven’t had the time or energy to write very much lately. I have a lot of half-baked ideas that I hope to finish soon and get out in a few weeks when I have some free time again. I am also planning to turn this into a book sometime later. I have always wanted to write a book, and feel like an autobiography would be perfect, since most people don’t like to hear my stories now they can read them! (Today’s dark sarcasm is brought to you by a lack of sleep)

But, this post was seasonal, so I needed to get it out in time.

Holidays are the worst. I have never liked any of the holidays. I have spent years trying to think of why exactly I can’t stand them, and have gotten nowhere. My family is very strange, and I am not very close to them at all. But both of those are fairly standard for a lot of other families. Why do I have such a strong aversion to holidays?

Ever since I can remember, I have begged my mom to skip out on holidays and family gatherings. I would pretend to be sick, or get sick intentionally to avoid them. I would come up with any and every excuse imaginable to get out of going. I still do that today too. I have a habit of trying to plan my vacations to conveniently avoid holidays.

I know from experience that holidays are not that bad, but it doesn’t matter. I hate them so much. My family is rude and loud and offensive, but I am too so that doesn’t bother me. They are usually fairly nice, I think they like me too. The conversations aren’t usually that awkward, sometimes I even have a good time. And yet, I dread the mere thought of going there so much that it keeps me from sleeping the day before.

After much more introspection, I think this is a trapezium-related thing too. I feel like I should be close to my family, but I am not. I am close to my mom, dad, and my grandmother. The rest of my family doesn’t even know what I do for a job. I see them a few times a year, and they almost never ask me questions about myself. Every time I am around them I feel like an awkward outsider who is supposed to be in the click but isn’t. I think this might be some of the reason why I don’t like holidays. I see them all laughing and sharing stories and having fun, but I don’t really understand how to participate in that, nor do I really want to. My family is not the best of role models, and I have very little respect for most of them. They are not particularly bright people, they are not very courageous, they do not do great things with their careers, and they simply eke out an average to below average way of life. And that bores me to tears. I see no reason why I would be friends with them or have any particular reason to talk to them, other than the random fact that we happen to share genetic material.

I know that family is supposed to be hugely important, but they just aren’t to me. They are just people who happened to come from the same spawn point. There is not really anything that should make you have a strong loving connection with them. My love and loyalty are to those who have supported me and raised me, which is not my relationship with most of my family. So they seem like weirdly distant people that are somehow supposed to be close.

I try again and again to be close to them and to get a stronger relationship, but I fail at it every time. And I know that they see me failing at that as well. I don’t know how to rectify that, and I kind of don’t feel like trying. At one point, a few years ago, I had a master plan that I was going to move to a new place far away and start a new life there. If I lived far away, then I would never have to worry about being awkward or having to show up on the holidays. I almost went through with that plan, but I am so terrified of moving that I dropped it.

Furthermore, holidays themselves are really dumb and that annoys me a lot. Easter is supposed to be the day that Jesus returned from the dead (yay Zombie Savior!) and that is great and all. But do you really have to be reminded of that every year? It seems to me that if you have a modicum of faith in God, then you should remember his awesome works for longer than a year. I say this as a Christian myself, but I just despise holidays. They seem to be geared towards people with short term memory loss, which I do not have. I don’t need to reminded of things over and over, and in fact that makes me irrationally angry.

On top of that, Easter has some of the dumbest traditions of all. Jesus is back from the dead, so let’s celebrate by having a bunny hide eggs filled with candy?? Seriously? There are so many things wrong with that picture. Bunnies don’t lay eggs, eggs aren’t filled with candy, and neither of those have anything to do with Jesus. The date of Easter every year is set based on a pagan calendar, which is ridiculous in itself. The Christians came over and killed a large number of the pagans and then stole their traditions and their holiday planning schedule. What the hell guys?

As a side note, this kind of thing is why I am great to have at parties. I talk like this a lot in real life, and for some reason people seem to get angry with me. (That was sarcasm). I am aware that things like that make me an ‘asshole’ and I have learned not to share them with most people. But, you are not most people, so I can share anything I want.