I have had a very hard time coming up with things to write lately. I think some of the problem is that I have used up most of the cute little quirks that I can write about. I am left now with the soul-crushing and depressing things that I have not yet learned how to deal with myself, and much less how to communicate effectively. So the posts will be more ‘real’ and ‘brutal’ for a while, I guess. I plan to go back and edit them later. But for now, and for my own therapy process, I am trudging onward with whatever I can write. To me, it is far more important to keep writing things than it is to have them perfected.
But anyways, back to the depressing topic at hand today. I am not okay. I don’t know if I have ever been okay, and I don’t really believe that I ever will be okay in the future. And that is okay, sometimes.
I’m not okay (I promise). If you get that reference, then we should be friends. I make a lot of music references and almost no one ever gets them. For those who aren’t musically literate, that was the title of a song from My Chemical Romance’s 2004 album Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. One of the top albums in my teenage angst years, and was actually the very first CD that I ever bought.
I have had a very difficult life so far for a lot of reasons. My childhood was very far from typical, and I faced a lot of things that most kids don’t have to deal with. My parents divorced when I was three, and I grew up never knowing my father. My mom was a struggling teacher, and we never had a lot of money. My mom was severely injured when I was in middle school and I had to take care of her for a while. We lost our house because my mom couldn’t pay the bills. We had to depend on the food pantry to survive while I was in high school. My mom was and still is a hoarder and that has affected me a huge amount. I had to get a job at 17 to help pay the bills so that we didn’t get evicted again. I paid my own way through college by working and getting scholarships, I never got any money from my parents to help with college. I have had to be completely independent since I was 17, and have no fallback options because neither one of my parents can really support me.
That is a short summary of some of the bigger things that I have had to deal with in my life. I am not looking for pity, I really don’t care about that stuff. All of those things are horrible yes, but they have also taught me an enormous amount about life and how to avoid those things in the future. I listed those out to help myself, but also to illustrate that life happens and it sucks for a lot of the time. I have had to deal with all of those things, and also being a trapezium. No wonder I have so much anxiety and stress. No wonder that now that I am a ‘grown up’, I spend my time mostly playing video games. Now I am at a point in my life, for really the first time, where I am stable and comfortable. I know that I have enough money to cover everything and don’t need to worry about where my food or rent money will come from next month. That is a luxury that I never experienced earlier in my life. So, I take advantage of that and spend a lot of time relaxing now!
I have always had huge life problems to deal with, for as long as I can remember. Big overarching things that seemed like huge demons and towering monsters that I had no way of fighting or coping with. These things threatened the very foundation of my life, and I saw no chance to overcome them. So when faced with that kind of thing, I ignored everything else in my life and lived out of fear. Most of my life has been spent in terror of those huge monsters killing me. I have never felt that I had the freedom or the ability to do simple things like have friends and have fun and go on dates and things like that. I am too busy fighting for my survival. I can remember as early as 5th grade seeing my classmates running around and playing and thinking that they were so carefree and happy and wondering what that felt like as I went home to deal with my life. I would look at everyone else and think that one day I will figure out how to beat these huge demons and then I too can begin my life and be free.
But there is always another and bigger monster to replace the one that you beat. Life gives you no freedom, you must take it for yourself. It has taken me my entire life to learn that lesson. There will never be a time when I feel that I am ‘okay’. Life is relentless in its assault. One problem grows into another and so on. You have to still go out and do things, because if you don’t then you never will. I have spent years waiting for the right time and the right feeling to happen, but that is impossible. At some point you have to make the leap.
All through high school, I spent every day thinking that the next day will be better, and that the next year will be better. It never was. I kept thinking that once I get to May then things will suddenly be better, or once I get to college suddenly everything will be fixed. I thought that when I graduated I would suddenly not have to deal with crushing anxiety and low self-esteem, that somehow I could be the person I felt I was on the inside.
But that never once happened. Things don’t usually change for the better, and when they do change for the better, you can always find something else to feel upset about.
See, I know that some of this thinking is due to mild depression. I have struggled with that demon for my entire life. I think that the “depressasaur” also lives deep inside me and will never go away, he will only grow stronger and my only hope is to grow stronger and faster than he does. I have beaten depression several times, or just moved on past it. Most of my depression stems from unfortunate life circumstances (see the earlier paragraphs) because any one of those is enough to make someone depressed.
But I have never really cared much for feelings. For as long as I can remember, I have always told myself that feelings don’t matter, actions matter. I realize now that is completely false, but it is the only way I got through so many difficult times. If I had let myself wallow in pity, I truly do not think I would have survived most of my childhood. I had to pull myself out and do things in order to get out of those awful situations. So that mindset of ignoring feelings, was mostly a survival tactic, and a pretty good one. Until I got out of those situations and suddenly was unable to function without being a robot. I am still recovering from that one today.
All of this is to say that life is a struggle, and most often a mental struggle. I can know that I am doing okay at something, but still not believe it. I can know that I am doing really well at life compared to other people my age, but still feel like a complete wet fart of a person. I always feel like there is some big demon shadowing over me and my life, and it prevents me from being happy. If I ever figure out how to deal with it, I will gladly write my instructions on here. If anyone else knows, please let me know.